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from Monologues that Kick Ass

by David-Matthew Barnes

Moments after giving her new boyfriend a key to her apartment...

Janessa: I was afraid that if I gave you a key to my apartment, you would freak out and run screaming from my life.

I’m not always what men are looking for. You know the type. They want you to wear the right thing, cook all of their meals, keep a clean house. That’s not who I am. Well.. you know what I’m like. I like to live life moment by moment. I’m spontaneous...

Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to stand up comedy. Do you think I would be good at it?

(Quick beat.) I know my apartment isn’t nearly as fancy as your townhouse but once they get the rat problem under control here, this place could really be cozy. I’d really love to buy a house. My credit isn’t what it used to be. I was young and foolish and I needed a lot of shoes. I went a little crazy with some credit cards. (Beat.) I changed my name. My real name is Tonya Carlisle.

(Quick beat.) Would you like something to drink? I’ve got a two liter of Shasta in the fridge. Will that do?

My ex-boyfriend and I were madly in love. (Beat.) Two months after we met, he decided to go back to his wife. I was devastated. (Beat.) She filed a restraining order against me. Isn’t that crazy?

(Beat.) Maybe it’s time to put his picture away somewhere. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Especially since you have your own key now. I want you to feel like this apartment is yours, too.