Sgt. Toomey

from Biloxi Blues

by Neil Simon

Toomey:My name is Toomey... Sergeant Merwyn J. Toomey and I am in charge of B-Company during your 10 weeks of basic trainin' here in beautiful Biloxi, Mississippi; after which those of you who survive the heat, humidity, roaches, spiders, snakes, fungus, dysentery, syphilis, gonorrhea and tick fever will most likely be sent to some shit island in the Pacific or some turd pile in Northern Sicily.

In any event, returnin' home to your mamas and your papas with your balls intact is highly improbable. The only way I know to get through a war healthy of body and sane of mind is to be born the favorite daughter or the President of the United States!

I speak from experience; having served fourteen months in North Africa where seventy-three percent of my comrades lie, buried under the sands of an A-rab desert. These colorful ribbons on my chest testify to the fact that my gov'mint is grateful for my contribution; having donated a small portion of my brain to this conflict the remainder bein' protected by a heavy steel plate in my head.

Now this injury has left me a warm, compassionate, sympathetic teacher of raw, young men... Or the meanest, craziest, most sadistic goddamn son of a bitch you ever met; and that's somethin' you won't know 'til ten weeks from today.

Do I make myself clear?