Single White Male

by D.E.Moening

Single white male, 40, seeks attractive single or divorced or widowed white female, 25 - 40 OK but 30 - 33 better. Drawn to intimate walks on the beach and gentle rainy evenings by the fire. Froot-Loops addict OK.  Non smoker (especially those little black, thin cigarettes) or drugs.  Moderate drinker... Dewars & Chivas only, no single malt scotch or white wine spritzers.  Needs to have a big tattoo.  Butterflies, Rose or Desert Sunset Scenes OK, but no gargoyles, political figures or historic Naval battle scenes. Full figure a big plus but not so much that the other guys will stare. Red hair preferred.  Not orange like Reba McIntyre, but red like the babe on "Mad About You" who plays Jamie's lesbian OB-GYN yeah, like her! (Getting into it, now)

Must be able to juggle.  Should have late model SUV, with new snow tires and CD player, also a collection of wrestling magazines circa 1965 - 1970 in mint condition... I'll explain later.  Need to have a  working knowledge of Latin write it, speak it, order deli and hail a cab with it.  Can be pensive but not moody.  Must know all the lyrics to "American Pie" and be convinced that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.  Definitely needs to possess her very own chili recipe, without beans.  Possibly entertains delusions of grandeur but be willing to worship the ground upon which I walk. Believes that Steven Segal is the most misunderstood actor of his generation.

(Just about to lose it) Should dig Aerosmith, Patti Smith, Smith-Barney, Barney Fife, Fife & Drum Corps, the Corps of Engineers, Engineer Boots, Boots Randolph, Randolph Scott, Scotti Pippin... Pippin... Pippin... Uhh... Charlemane!!! Uhhhnnn... (helpers arrive and drape a robe over his shoulders and gently help him to his seat.)