Opening

From Artificial Reality

By Jeffrey Essmann

They say, every show you do, the cast becomes like your family. So it's no coincidence I do a one-man show. My older brother and sister used to take me in the back bedroom, with only a candle lit, and read me Edgar Allen Poe until I cried or screamed. Later, when I was learning to read myself, I remember asking the nun when Dick was going to bury Jane alive. My parents tried to explain to the nuns that I'd always been an overexcited child. Actually, it was no small feat being overexcited when you consider this was in Wisconsin. Wisconsin's the kind of place where... well, like my sister walks her husband after dinner. My family always encouraged me to perform, though. I remember my parents saying, "Show grandma how you hurt yourself."

Sometimes people ask me where I get my ideas from. I think most of them come from a narcissistic personality disorder. What narcissism is, psychologically, is, very simply: my mother (who else?) when I was a baby, didn't do whatever she was supposed to do that would let me know I was a separate individual with my own personality. So instead of having my own personality, I developed this ability to reflect the unconscious desires and needs of whoever's around me -like a mirror... Or a hooker.

But it's great as a performer. I mean, since I perceive my actions as a reflection of your needs, if the show doesn't go well - it's your fault.