Mrs. Clackett

from Noises Off

by Michael Frayn

As the curtain rises, the telephone is ringing.  Enter from the service quarters MRS. CLACKETT, a housekeeper. She is carrying an imposing plate of sardines.

MRS. CLACKETT: It's no good you going on. I can't open sardines and answer the phone. I've only got one pair of feet. (puts the sardines down on the telephone table by the sofa, and picks up the phone) Hello. ...Yes, but there's no one here, love.

...No, Mr. Brent's not here.  He lives here, yes, but he don't live here now because he lives in Spain.

...Mr. Philip Brent, that's right. The one who writes the plays, that's him, only now he writes them in Spain.

...No, she's in Spain, too, they're all in Spain, there's no one here.

...Am I in Spain? No, I'm not in Spain, dear. I look after the house for them; only I go home at one o'clock on Wednesday, so that's where I am.

...No, because I've got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, and they've got colour here, and it's the royal what's it called -the royal you know -where's the paper, then. ..? (She searches in the newspaper.)

...And if it's to do with letting the house, then, you'll have to ring the house-agents, because they're the agents for the house...Squire, Squire, Hackham and who's the other one...?

...No, they're not in Spain, they're next to the phone in the study. Squire, Squire, Hackham, and... hold on, I'll go and look. (She replaces the receiver.)