Miss Florida

from Monologues that Kick Ass

by David-Matthew Barnes

Marie is eighteen and very Southern.  Marie confesses her strategy to become the next Miss Florida.

MARIE:   I’ve been studying all night to become Miss Florida. I never realized it until just recently that this is my calling.

Now, let me tell you what I found in my studies. I didn’t care much for Miss Jamie Lynn Bolding. She won way back in 1996 and her talent was lyrical ballet. How tacky. But I simply died when I discovered Miss Kristin Alicia Beall Ludecke... she was Miss Florida five thousand years ago in 1995 - and she was wonderful... very classy and elegant... her platform issue was self-esteem through music and the arts... and then she sang opera! It was something foreign and breathtaking!!

And I just loved Miss Jennifer DelGallo. Now she was Miss Pensacola in 1996 and she sang the hell out of (She actually sings this, very operatic:) Don’t Rain On My Parade!

I swear to you when I read about this, the hair on my scalp stood up when I imagined her performing. I was beside myself. I nearly peed my pants. And her platform issue was “The Value of the Family.” Couldn’t you just die? She was so brave in those democratic times. I’m gonna write to her, a belated letter of support. And I’ll tell her about my plans. Maybe I’ll even take her to lunch. Some place healthy and Christian.

Up until last night, around midnight, I wanted to go to secretary school. But now, I have opted for a more glamorous and socially fulfilling career choice.

(She stands on the sofa and looks out at an imaginary crowd.)

I’m gonna become Miss Florida and feed starving children in third world countries. It came to me in a dream... a vision, I had last night. I saw myself, in a bathing suit with cute polka dots. I was wearing a tiara and a sash and I was surrounded by hungry children. And I was feeding them pizza and they all loved me. And the President of the United States of America was there and he shook my hand and he said to me, “Miss Florida, Miss Marie Baker, you have changed the world.” I smiled. (She does.) I waved. (She does.) I even cried. (She starts to and stops.) There was a video crew there and they shot the whole thing and in my dream it was being sold on television for only $19.95. So, as an American girl, I feel compelled to make my dreams come true.

(Beat.) I just haven’t told Mama yet.