Dog Addict

from  Greater Tuna

by Jaston Williams, Joe Sears and Ed Howard

Bertha lays down the law to Petey Fisk, a radio personality who features dogs available for adoption on his show.

Bertha: Hello, Petey?  Is this Petey Fisk?

This is Bertha Bumiller, Petey and I wanna talk to you, and I want you to listen. Do you understand Petey?

I said I want to talk and I want you to listen!!!

Petey, I have tried to think what I have done to deserve the life I lead. A husband who spent four years in prison for robbin’ a fillin’ station of forty-seven dollars. And there are my psycho twins, Charlene and Stanley, who you know have caused me no end of grief. And my youngest, Jody, is never seen that he doesn’t have a pack of dogs around him. They follow him to school. They follow him home. They follow him everywhere. And last week, Petey, I nearly had to whup him because he wanted to take ‘em to the First Baptist Church!

I said I talk and you listen!

Now, Petey, we have a very serious situation on our hands. My son Jody has something as bad as a drug habit. Jody has a dog habit. He has a psychological addiction to those dogs and you Petey Fisk, you’re a puppy pusher!

I-said-I-talk-and-you-listen! 

Now, I will put up with Shep, Wolfie, Trixie, Bingo, Blossom, Sweet-Nothin’, Dolly and Thunder, but if that little Yippy... half-rat, Yippy... half-chihuahua, Yippy... half-whatever that you have been talkin’ about on the radio… if that that dog shows up at my house, Petey Fisk, I promise you they will have to drag the river to find your body!

I-said-listen!

Now, Petey, I’m gonna call my Aunt Pearl Burras… I swear to God, I’m gonna call my Aunt Pearl, and I’m gonna tell her to make up a whole batch of her bitter pills.  I mean business. I’m as serious as a stroke.  I will not be the mother of an addict, whether he’s on opium or basset hounds.  Now say goodbye Petey!