Candy’s Bad Day

from Monologues That Kick Ass

by David-Matthew Barnes

Candace is late to her wedding. Stuck in a roadside diner in Grand Island, Nebraska, she unloads about the horrible time she has had trying to get to the ceremony. She barely takes a breath, fueled with anger.

CANDACE: Do you know what kind of a day I’ve had?

I woke up late. My cat puked all over my shoes. My roommate decided to bring a criminal home with her last night and the guy stole her virginity (Beat.) and my laptop.

The landlord forgot to inform me that they were shutting off the water in my building to do some repair work. So, I had to boil bottles of Aquafina and wash my hair in the sink. The necklace my grandmother gave me fell down the drain and is probably lying at the bottom of Lake Michigan right now.

I decided to try my wedding dress on to make sure all of the alterations had been done properly. I went downstairs to ask my dope-dealing neighbor for her opinion and I got locked out of my apartment. Not one single stingy person would loan me a change of clothes, so I took the “L” train to Maxine’s house – in my wedding dress and my cat-puke-satin-pumps. Of course Maxine had nothing in my size and for once in my life, there was no time to go shopping. So I had to spend half the day looking like Glenda the Good Witch. I didn’t get a manicure so my hands look like I’ve been clawing my way out of Attica. My hair feels like Crisco because my hairdresser decided to try a new product on me and I swear to you, it smells like furniture polish.

We missed the plane from Chicago and once we finally got on a plane, they rerouted us to Topeka because of some storm but I don’t see any rain, do you?!

My own mother is refusing to talk to me because I wouldn’t allow my slutty sister to be in my wedding. My father has been missing for three days and we suspect he’s joined a religious cult in Arkansas. My fiancé thinks I’m a fat cow, an alcoholic, a drug addict and a chain smoker and right now, all I want to do is be unconscious!