Birthday Dinner

From Visiting Mr. Green

By Jeff Baron

Ross:  You really want to know? (Mr. Green nods.  Ross shakes his head, then very matter of fact.)  I went out for lunch today.  It was a sixtieth birthday party for my father.  Twelve people at a big table - His best friends, his partner and his wife, my mother, my cousins and me.  In a private room at a fancy restaurant.  My father is moving around the table, talking to everyone...you know, working the crowd.  The waiter comes in to take our drink orders.  He's obviously gay.  My father, who is standing sort of behind the waiter, starts making fun of him, imitating his mannerisms.  A few people start laughing, and I say to him, quietly, "That's enough, Dad."  He looks at me for a second, then sits down. 

The waiter leaves, and my father gets up and does an impression of the waiter.  (Acts out his father as the effeminate waiter.)  "We have some delightful specials for you today.  Herb encrusted baby lamb chops with a mélange of grilled vegetables." 

(Then as himself.)  Then he turns to my mother.

(As his father being the waiter.)  "Those earrings.  They're fabulous.  Where did you find them?"

(Then as himself.)  The table is in hysterics.  I can't take it anymore.  I say, "Stop it, Dad."  He stops.  He turns to me and says, "Relax, Ross.  We're in New York City.  Our waiter's a fag.  It's not gonna make the national news."  Everyone laughs.  I say, "Oh yeah?  Well, so is your son."  A few people laugh...nervously...They're hoping it's a joke of some kind.  Then everyone's quiet.  Very quiet.  Then my father says, "Well, maybe you can get a job here."  Everyone laughs, I leave. 

That's it. (After a moment.)  So now you know.