Good Ol' Country Ass-Whuppin'

by Roy D. Mercer

Roy:(on the phone) Yeah, is this Chief Yakinitz? Lisn', this is --- My name is Roy D. Mercer; now, I got a bone t'pick with you. My boy, Raymond was down there about a month ago? He's a senior in high school an' he wanted t'sign up with the Navy and you tol' him he's too scrawny? Needed  to go home and work out... That's what he said you tol' him, "He's too scrawny."

An' he come home an' charged up about twohunner't dollars worth'a dumb-bells an' about a hunner't dollars worth'a protein packs... and that ain't the worst of it.

He's in there tryin' t'get them dumb-bells put together? An' his little pet hamster, Liberacé, got loose an' was down on th'floor... Well, he dropped a twenty-pound weight on him... skwersh't him.

Skwer-sh't him, yeah... Liberacé...

It ain't funny!

So, I need about threehunner't dollars, and a new hamster or I'm comin' down there and whuppin' somebody's ass... 

Well, you think it's funny... I guarantee ya' I'm gonna swell one'a your eyes up; you'll look just like Popeye!!!

Yeah, go ahead laugh all you want to... get it out'a your system.

I got me a little boy over here all tore'd up... He won the 4-H Talented Pet Contest th' last two years inna row with Liberacé.  Momma made him a little blue-sequined jacket an' Raymond taught it t'sit at a toy pian'a an' pound on it with his nose...

Well it ain't funny...!!!

Now, I want you t'call up his 4-H teacher and tell her why Raymond ain't gonna have a pet in the show this year... the blue ribbon's prob'ly gonna go t' Jimmy Charlene's ping-pong playin' parrott!

Say, how long's it been since you had yourself a good ol' country ass whuppin'?