And The Winner Is...

from Monologues That Kick Ass

by David-Matthew Barnes

Tracy is a successful African-American actress in her late twenties. Backstage at the Academy Awards, she confronts her fellow white nominees who "have disrespected" her.

.

TRACY: Listen up, you little starfuckers! My name is Tracy Morrison and I’m here because I was nominated for my performance in Sorrow Is My Sister. Now, if y’all wanna be nasty about this, then I can be nasty.

First of all, April Newton - everyone that I know has slept with your husband at least a dozen times - and they all complain about the same damn thing - two inches don’t go very far in my neighborhood, okay?!

And Pauline Emerson, why don’t you take your skinny white ass back to England and choke yourself on a pot of piss and tea. Your movies are almost as bad as your nose job - and don’t even let me get started on how many sexually transmitted diseases you be spreadin’ ‘round town, you triflin’ ho! You lay on a doorstep faster than the mornin’ paper.

Rachel Riley...? For some God-awful reason, some dumb ass put you in a movie and told you that you can act. Shhheeeit. That son of a bitch lied to your stupid ass and because of that - we all have to suffer by seeing your ugly grin smilin’ up at us every time we go to Blockbuster. I could make one of your movies with ten dollars and a hooker from 125th street.

And Danielle Taylor - you little drunk bitch – that sweet innocent routine doesn’t fool me. You’ve got an arrest record a mile long and more ex-boyfriends than Elizabeth Taylor. In a year, you’ll be burned out, used up and doing infomercials.

I, myself, worked three jobs to put myself through college. I’ve studied every aspect of actin’ you can possibly imagine. I’ve played every maid, call girl and the wife of countless dope dealers - on every stage from here to Kentucky. It took me eleven years to get a part in a film - and now that I’m here – I’m not going anywhere! I got an agent. I got a manager. I got a lawyer. I got a publicist. I’ve got a personal mothah fuckin’ assistant. And it’s about time.

I deserve all of this - because unlike the four of you dirty tramps - I live an honest life with dignity and self-respect. I care about the movies I make and not the size of my bank account. So if the four of you cannot maintain yourselves like the decent young women that God intended y’all to be, then step aside, because I can and I will.

It’s not about box office. It’s not about power. It’s not about having your face on every trashy magazine in America. It’s about givin’ somethin’ to the world – and believe you me, I’z got plenty to give. Now, get that camera rollin’, because I am ready for my interview.